OK—we’re all for making the outdoors as accessible as possible to everyone. But the recent trend of “glamping”—a portmanteau of “glamorous” and “camping,” which are two words that really shouldn’t go together—has introduced a whole level of ridiculousness to the outdoor experience. At what point does getting-back-to-nature become just-stay-in-a-hotel-already? Probably when you’re using one of these silly items.
Finally—someone’s developed a tent system that ensures you (and 16 of your closest friends) will never have to go outside.
Usually, the point of camping is to bring as little as possible—so a tool that only has one, very specific use, is...well, useless.
This thing weighs 32 pounds, but don’t worry—you can buy a special oven carrying bag to carry it over those long portages. Our cave people ancestors are probably rolling over in their graves at our inability to cook things over an open fire.
Because turning a stick manually is just too darn hard.
OK, we like ice cream, but to take this camping, you need to pack rock salt and—wait for it—ICE. Yup, have fun with that. If you’re somewhere where ice is easily obtainable, either a) real ice cream is probably close at hand too or b) it’s winter, and you don’t want ice cream anyway.
Oh, good grief. Not only is this ridiculously over-engineered, it’s impossible to easily pack. Nope, nope, nope.
Is your daily smoothie really is so important that you have to pack a blender on your camping trip?
Bears may poop in the woods, but we’re pretty sure they don’t use one of these.
Give Fido a tent all his own, because, you know, dogs have been sleeping in tents ever since they were domesticated.
Nothing says “wilderness” like the bubbling and popping of deep frying oil, said nobody ever. The operative word in “camp kitchen” is “camp,” which means your cooking accessories do not have to rival those on Master Chef.
Zap those pesky skeeters with 2,400 volts of pure electricity. Or, you know, swat them with your hand. Whatever.
Surely you want your flashlight to be easy to find, making the camo kind of pointless. Plus, once the little sucker is turned on, the camo is also...well, kind of pointless. See related: camouflage wallet.
Because you just have to look your best for the bears: A butane-powered portable curling iron.
While we appreciate the bright orange colour for visibility, we question buying something like this when everyone knows that Ziploc bags are the ultimate multi-tasking camping accessory—especially for toilet paper!
If you really, really need hot water in five seconds, then you shouldn’t be camping. Half the fun is waiting for the water to boil—it makes that first cup of coffee taste extra, extra good.
This isn’t big, or hard to pack, but it does leave us a little puzzled as to why this would even be a consideration. Is having an actual shower so important?
Because chilling your beer in a creek is for barbarians!
There’s no reason to force your dog to sleep on the cold, hard ground—especially if they’re used to cuddling with you in bed. But we think this might be taking it a little far.
This battery-powered heated chair is for those who haven’t quite grasped the concept of a fire...or sweaters.
Yes, this is billed as a “travel vase”—because, you know, the only way to enjoy flowers when you’re camping is when they’re in a nice vase.
If you happen to find a campground with a flat area, why not haul out the bocce set? (There’s nothing else to do, right? Like set up the tent, build the fire, find some kindling.) If you run out of daylight, never fear—these balls light up, courtesy of LEDs.