8 silly inventions your dog doesn’t need

Repeat after us: your dog is not actually a baby. Your dog is also not a doll. Yes, your pooch is absolutely a member of the family, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to benefit from attachment parenting. There’s don’t seem to be medical or veterinary reason not to use a wearable carrier (unless you’ve got back issues—some aren’t ergonomically balanced) but surely your dog’s dignity is worth something.

Your dog might be your baby, but it’s not a baby, so there’s no reason they would need a high chair. Unless your pooch suffers from a disorder like mega-esophagus, there is no good reason to have them eat at the table with you. Plus, their table manners probably leave a little to be desired.

Somehow, it seems a waste to store poo bags and dog biscuits in a doggy-sized handbag that can cost (wait for it) MORE THAN $5,000. Even the cheap models cost more than $500 US (which, given the current exchange rate, is enough to get you a semi-detached house in Toronto). Obviously someone has this kind of disposable income, but we can think of better ways to spend it. (Donations to dog rescue organizations, anyone?)

Sorry, but stooping and scooping goes with dog-owner territory. If you have trouble getting down that far, we’re willing to give you a pass, but otherwise these seem needlessly fussy and potentially messier than the alternative.

Really? As far as painting your dog’s nails goes, using a non-toxic polish designed for licky pups is a good idea. But why on earth are you giving your dog a manicure in the first place? If you have that kind of time on your hands, there are dogs at your local shelter who could benefit from a little loving attention.

OK, no one likes the smell of wet dog—but we’re not convinced that wet dog underneath a cloud of lemon, grapefruit, bergamot, lavender, marine accord, amber, and musk would be much better. If your dog needs to feel more “masculine, confident and modern,” might we suggest taking him for a long, muddy hike instead of spritzing him with perfume?

We can’t actually decide whether these are a joke. Judging from the online reviews, most people don’t take them seriously. The ones that do—well, they might like some of the other things on this list as well.

If you can’t enjoy your beer without wanting your canine buddy to join in the fun, we’re willing to bet there’s a larger problem at stake than spending money on dog beer. To be fair, this isn’t actually beer, and it won’t hurt your dog (quite the opposite, in fact)—but the fact that it’s more than twice the price of a real six-pack makes it a questionable investment.