Dads have subjected their families to terrible jokes for ages; those pun-ishing jests that most of the time illicit eye rolls and groans. In honour of Father’s Day, here’s a list of one-liners and riddles dads can doll out as comedy gold to really “work the room” with their special off-brand of humour.
Experts and celebs share tips on how to be funny, but dad jokes don’t follow a true formula. There are, however a few qualifiers for something to be called a Dad Joke. Obviously rule number one is that it has to be told by a dad, otherwise it’s just lame. Plus, the joke should have a good mix of clever and corny (just like dad). Also, the deliverer of the joke has to see himself as the funniest man of the house, even though his audience might not reciprocate or appreciate.
Dad jokes were first referenced in a 1987 issue of the Gettysburg Times. Columnist Jim Kalbaugh introduced and urged his readers to keep them rolling: “As we approach Father’s Day, I would like to propose that ‘Dad’ Jokes not be banned. They should be revered, preserved.”
Okay dads, here’s the list. Feel free to insert drumroll sounds right before you deliver the punch line…
What’s ET short for?
Because he’s got tiny legs.
I was wondering why this Frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
You know, I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump.
If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.
I just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?” He said: “Working from home.”
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!
What do you call a fake noodle?
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.
I love telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he even laughs.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
Why you can’t trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad of an electrician I am.
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.
Why was the horse so happy?
Because he lived in a stable environment.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
How do trees access the Internet?
They log in.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
Why do the French never order two eggs?
Because one egg is an oeuf.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
I can cut down a tree only using my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.
Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
Want to know why nurses like red crayons?
Sometimes they have to draw blood.
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
You’re Canadian when you go into the bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in there?
How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.
What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…
Did you know that 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions?
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can’t opener.
One time somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.
I was like: “What the Hellman!”
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
I woke up last night and saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing beside my bed.
At first, I was afraid…I was petrified.
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.
When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
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