What your cottage beer fridge says about you

The world of beer has changed a lot over the last few years. New breweries are popping up like dandelions in an unkempt front yard, and the choices at the Beer Store are more varied than ever.

Thankfully, that means 50 and Molson Canadian aren’t your only options these days. But you need to realize that what you stock your beer fridge with represents who you are. Here’s what the beer in your fridge is saying about you.

American lager

While remaining loyal to your beer brand since high school is somewhat admirable, the fact that your beer largely comprises rice says a lot about you. It says you are mainstream. You are the average North American consumer. You probably like mainstream TV, pop radio and, well, let’s face it, Led Zeppelin is probably still your favourite band. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if you’ve been drinking the same beer for 20+ years, it may be time to try something new.

West Coast IPA

Pretending to love this beer might make you a wannabe hipster, but actually loving it means you truly appreciate beer. For some, an IPA’s bitter tastes and floral aromas are an acquired taste (though for a more accessible version, we recommend Muskoka Brewery’s Detour). But once you learn to enjoy it, there’s no turning back. Welcome to beer geekdom.

Stout

Not to be sexist, but there’s no way around it; stout is a manly beer. It’s thick, heavy, and is like a meal in a glass. Generally low in alcohol, this beer is for those who love things with flavour and who aren’t afraid of a beer that will have dire consequences on waistlines. A fridge full of stout means you’re confident with who you are and unafraid to enjoy life.

Malt liquor

If your fridge is full of 40 ouncers of malt liquor, we hope, for your sake, that you’re a poor student. No one should be forced to drink this stuff. And if you’re staying in a multi-million dollar cottage in Muskoka, then it’s official: you cannot, “pour some out for your homies.” If you’re about to participate in a game of Edward Fortyhands, remember this: the hangover from this nasty beverage is serious. Tomorrow will be a total write off.

White beer

If your beer can has images of a punk-rock orange on it, well, you’re sort of drinking real beer at least. This style of wheat beer was first brewed in 1445 by the monks of Hoegaarden in Belgium. Often featuring orange peel, coriander and a number of other spices, the fruity flavours and aromas make this an accessible beverage for just about anyone. If it’s in your fridge, there’s a good chance you’re a true lover of beer.

Light beer

If your fridge is stocked with beer that is light in alcohol, light in calories, or has the word light anywhere on the label, then you may have given up. There’s a chance you drive a minivan, are comfortable wearing socks with your sandals and are pretty amped about the next season of Canadian Idol. It’s not the worst fate in the world, but it may be smart to mask your fridge full of light beer with a façade of IPAs. Just in case.

Spiked ice tea

If your fridge is full of beers that have adjuncts like lime, ice tea, or lemonade and are made by the mega-factories of North America, then riddle me this: What would your grandfather say?

Cider

A fridge full of cider either means you have celiac disease (meaning you can’t consume wheat), or you just plain don’t like beer. If you’re allergic to gluten, well, our condolences. It’s a pretty solid reason not to drink beer, especially considering the taste of the gluten-free stuff. If your fridge is full of cider because you don’t like beer, well, then we have a couple questions: One, are you sure you’re Canadian? And two, can we see your passport?