Not-so-shocking almanac report predicts cold winter for Canada

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The Farmers’ Almanac has just released its winter forecast report, and not surprisingly, it predicts Canada (known to many Americans as the Fortress of Ice and Igloos) will have a cold, snowy winter.
 
The century-old periodical, which employs highly secretive mathematical and astronomical formulas to make its predictions, reports that below-normal temperatures will predominate from east of the Rocky Mountains to the Eastern Great Lakes, with the coldest temperatures meandering southeast across the Canadian Shield to the Great Lakes. Only those who live along the coasts will be spared, as the Almanac predicts temperatures will average close to normal.
 
Snow will be a unifying grievance and source of complaining for Canadians, with significant snowfalls predicted for the whole country. Quebec and Ontario will see a snowier-than-usual winter, much to the joy of elementary school kids vying for snow days.
 
The first two weeks of February over Quebec and Maritimes will be notably volatile, with mid-Marchbringing a wave of blustery storms extending coast to coast.
 
The report goes on to use incredibly scientific terms like “piercing cold,” “biting cold,” “chilly,” and “cold, wet and white” to describe each zone’s temperature outlook.

“The ‘Days of Shivery’ are back!” Caleb Weatherbee, the official forecaster for the Farmers’ Almanac, gleefully, cruelly exclaims in the report. Although Caleb Weatherbee is actually a pseudonym for the prognosticators behind the Almanac’s prediction team, it’s easy to imagine him in a straw hat, poring over tidal action formulas and planetary positions, joyfully saying to himself “Why yes, it looks Canada will have another long, cold winter.”